Drinking to Conquer

A drinking game, per Google dictionary, is defined as “a game or contest involving the consumption of alcoholic drinks, typically…in response to a specified cue or prompt.”  In past posts I’ve recommended several opportunities for drinking games when watching films—this being a blog about old movies, that is what I recommend to my readers—such as every time Zsa Zsa Gabor bares a gam or every time Paul Frees dubs a hunk.  And now I’m recommending another film, specifically for Thanksgiving.  And it’s a real turkey.  The film, I mean.  Being that it fits the holiday.  Which is all about turkeys.  In one way or another.  (Usually the other.)

And, wow, is this film Fowl.  A look at the bodacious life and roaring times of Genghis Khan, Howard Hughes’s 1956 production of The Conqueror is generally considered one of the worst flicks ever made.  However, I will qualify that—it stinks, all right, but, wow, does it entertain.  Between the cheesy lines (“We’ll chase them like rats across the tundra”), the cheesy plot (“I feel this Tartar woman is for me, and my blood says, take her”), and the cheesy dance routines (including ladies with swords), you won’t be bored.  Dumbstruck, maybe, but—interested.  As Allmovie notes, “aficionados of really awful movies will get an immense kick out of it.”  That should include readers of my blog.  (For those visitors from Mars or Venus or the Outer Limits not familiar with the film, a description can be found here.)

Dumb or not, the film offers lots of bodacious opportunities for drinking games, post-turkey stuffing on your holiday.  Drinking alcohol is optional, of course; you could substitute another beverage—a swig of peppermint tea, for example, although its effect will be different.  Or try something else, such as chowing down on a roast potato or a broccoli sprout.  Or maybe a nugget of chocolate (chocolate should never be overlooked).  Whatever.  The point is—keep your eyes open, your ears alert, and your attention fixed, to catch those opportunities I now suggest.  For your gaming pleasure.

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Every Time You See John Wayne Swing a Sword:

In the title role, John Wayne—look, I know that’s outrageous casting, but it does add to the fun—anyway, to prepare for his role, Wayne took fencing lessons, and in many scenes he swashes a scimitar across the screen.  You sense he’d rather be wielding a pair of six-shooters, but, tant pis, they weren’t yet invented.  How one struggles for one’s art.  So, every time you see the Duke slash that saber he so assiduously learned to swipe—reward yourself.

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Every Time You See Susan Hayward Look Bored In a Palanquin (or Out):

In a previous post, on that bodaciously cheesy peplum flick Demetrius and the Gladiators, I wondered why Susan Hayward, a serious, intense actress, was….there.  Flaunting her assets in front of a short-skirted, high-sandaled Victor Mature.  And I wonder the same for The Conqueror.  The star of I’ll Cry Tomorrow and I Want to Live!—what is she doing here among the Mongol Hordes?  (Well, o-kay, she was in Valley of the Dolls, but that came waaay later.)  Hayward’s cast as John Wayne’s love interest—I’ll warn you right off, this film, like your cup, runneth over with casting oddities—a Tartar princess who first disdains, then falls madly in love with the title character.  Supposedly, per Kim Holston’s biography of the star, this lust madness also happened offscreen, with Hayward “develop[ing] a wild passion for [her co-star],” although her ardor did, uh, wayne…  You might say the same of their film pairing.

Could that fizzled romance account for those recurring looks of ennui on Hayward’s celluloid pan?  Holston notes how Hayward often “looks confounded or befuddled” in her scenes, “as if she knows this [movie] is malarkey.”  No doubt, floundering in cinematic hogwash could also account for such filmic tedium.  In her first entrance, carted onscreen in a deluxe litter, Hayward projects an attitude of Anywhere-But-Here as she lolls against the embroidered cushions.  Several palanquin rides later, that look hasn’t changed.

Indeed, you could vary this game by swigging a swag every time Hayward looks bored, palanquinized or not.  See which of you makes it to the end.

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Every Time You Hear Someone Say the Name Jamuga (or Something Like It):

I’m not clear who Jamuga is in the film.  As played by Pedro Armendáriz, Jamuga (as the name is listed in IMDB) is addressed by Wayne’s Conqueror as his “blood brother,” but apparently is not his real (fraternal) one (is he his cousin? pal? BFF?).  Jamuga is Wayne’s advisor, councilor, and most trusted ally, but he often finds himself in situations—such as when a slinky Hayward invites him to creep into her tent for an evening rendezvous—that cause the Conqueror to turn a pretty shade of jealous green.  Which you don’t want to see a Conqueror do.  Especially in your direction.

But the one constant about Jamuga is that every time someone says his name (which is frequent), it comes out differently.  “What says Jamooka?”, is how it’s first heard.  To be followed by:  Chamooga! Jemuga! Chemuka! Jumuga! Jamooga! Chimooga! Jimuga!  No wonder Armendáriz, as with Hayward, often looks confounded or befuddled.  (Are you talking to me?, he seems to be thinking.)  This game will be a real test of stamina.

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Every Time You See an Anachronism:

This one’s almost too easy, but it’s fun.  Pick out all those onscreen moments that scream post-12th and 13th centuries.  No explanations are offered for how they got there—could the Great Khan, among his other bodacious accomplishments, have invented such out-of-place articles well before our era?  Such as, for example, Hayward’s variety of 1950s-style cocktail-party gowns.  Who knew cocktail parties were a 13th-century thing?  (Did the Great Khan invent such soirées?)  Or Hayward’s bouncy, 1950s-style hair.  (Did the Great Khan invent beauty salons?)  Or the gold-lamé high heels worn by Thomas Gomez’s slave girls.  (Did the Great Kahn invent glam footwear?)  Or Gomez splashing like a happy porpoise in a swimming-pool-sized bubble bath.  (Did the Great Khan invent the luxury bathroom?)  My own favorite is the flesh-colored, red-fringed leotard worn by the lovely dancer Sylvia Lewis in a great cheesy dance routine (if for nothing else, watch the film for her number).  How, as I watched and wondered, did this…highly suggestive piece of outerwear get past the Hays Office?  (Did the Great Khan invent the end of the Production Code?)

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Every Time You See a Bad Moustache:

This is also easy—too easy.  I earlier wrote a post dedicated to Movie Moustaches, including the bad ones.  For which The Conqueror was expressly highlighted for its eysoreing lip hair.  So this aspect of the film is perfect for gaming purposes.  Whether it’s floppy Fu-Manchus or hairy Horseshoes or woozy Walruses, this movie has a bad moustache for every day of the year.  Of note is the furry handle worn by Thomas Gomez, which looks to be sprouting from his nostrils….(I need a drink just to take that one in).  Add a challenge—pick out the different ‘stache styles in the crowd scenes and drink to each one!

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Every Time You Hear John Wayne Say ‘My Mother’:

Agnes Moorehead, looking like Mammy Yokum in a babushka, plays Mama Conqueror in the film (I told you the casting was weird), and son John Wayne addresses her with the respect due to one’s mater.  “My mother,” he says—as in:  “I greet you, my mother”; or “What woman’s talk is this, my mother?”; as well as “You didn’t suckle me to be slain by Tartars, my mother”; and, for a change, “My mother, come tend my wound.”  I counted at least nine repetitions of the phrase, with even Agnes sneaking in a variant: “Can you speak thus to me, your mother?”  Measure out at least nine swallows as you watch but stay alert; there may be one or two I missed.

It’s not just the maternal parent addressed as such in the film.  We hear repetitions of “My brother,” “My father,” “My daughter,” “My son”—a relative for each day of the week.  Yet could anything be more fitting for Thanksgiving—a time when family members, of every type, rank, and denomination, gather round for the feast?  Try this out during your holiday dining, addressing your nearest and dearest thus:  “Hey, my mother, please pass me the mashed potatoes”; or “Would you care for some more gravy, my half-sister by my stepdad?”  Think of the aural medley to be heard—a mélange of  “My Mother,” “My Father,” “My Uncle,” “My Wife,” “My Husband,” My Son-in-Law,” “My Aunt,” “My Grandpa,” “My Second Cousin Twice Removed,” “My Dad’s Third Wife (and Counting”), “My Ex-(Fill in The Relationship),” “My Precious,” “My Sister, “My Daughter,” “My Sister and My Daughter”—

Oh, Brother.  I need a drink.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Bonus Clip:  Here come the Mongol Hordes!  To the sound of thundering hooves, The Conqueror roars onto the screen!  In titanic Technicolor and Cinemascope!  See John Wayne snarl!  See Susan Hayward slink!  See Pedro Armendáriz…look, uh…puzzled…  But let the Games (and cheesy dance routines) begin!

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Posted by Grand Old Movies on November 20, 2023

https://grandoldmovies.wordpress.com/2023/11/20/drinking-to-conquer/